I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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