Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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