Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
