i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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