this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
mondays should just be called national damage control day
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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