You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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