If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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