Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
