I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
