you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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