Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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