His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
