Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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