I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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