Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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