Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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