Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
