dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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