Need sex. Gaining weight.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
