In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
