i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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