bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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