i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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