lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
