let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
