So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
