My first STD was from a foam party
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
