I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
