I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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