I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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