I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I met the friendliest cop last night
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
