The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
