in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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