Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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