Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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