Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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