I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
