I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
