hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My vagina is officially offended.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
