I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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