I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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