Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
