According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
