I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
