Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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