I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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