Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
