you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
