My first STD was from a foam party
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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