Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
